stop & stare.

Last night I felt like I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It might sound a bit dramatic but maybe it’s because school starts in a week. My senior year of high school, which I’ve been anticipating since I was 12. In my head, my senior year was going to be perfect, I didn’t really have an outline for “perfect” but this isn’t it. I mean it’s not just school that’s making me feel anxious. Considering my step-dad’s death was only 7 months ago, it really shook me up and I still feel like my current reality is going to crumble at any second. Honestly, I’m fucking scared to fully enjoy life again. I’m scared to feel anything at all. I’ve been feeling pessimistic than optimistic (which is rare!)And that has been worrying me because I do not want to go back into the state of mind called “depression” I’ve hit rock bottom before, and I’m scared the second time will be worse. I’m scared that I haven’t prepared myself for utter disappointment, whatever that might be, I’m scared to face it. I’m scared of who I’m changing into. I can sense that I have, and a new nicole is wanting to burst out but I’m scared. I’m simply just fucking scared.


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